It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
