Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
