Just mADE A PArabola og urine
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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