Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think my vagina is haunted
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
