If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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