Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
where are my eyebrows?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
