When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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