so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize