They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm always down for nudity.
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