Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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