If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
