Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
