the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
