Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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