My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You were trust falling into bushes
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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