Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize