I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
