i think my mom watched the whole time
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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