I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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