I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
