Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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