My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
