So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
how drunk are you?
Several
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
