i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
