I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
