dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
