I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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