i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
They took my balls.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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