i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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