I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
