Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
