One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
