guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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