My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
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