u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
