My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize