I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
