my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Why can't burritos get me drunk
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
