My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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