I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
