I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
