Cold hands, warm shart.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We need a shit load of segways right now
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
