Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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