i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
