In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
