Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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