maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize