remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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