don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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