Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
