I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
