he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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