yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
