There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
she smelled like a LAN party
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
