my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Randomize
