he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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