Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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