I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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