If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
My vagina just clenched in fear
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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