the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I look better un-naked...
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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