I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
