You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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