just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
