Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize