my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
