youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
