This dress was meant to end up on your floor
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
We need to rekindle our bromance
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
being pregnant is like rehab
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
